An Interesting Stepmom Twist

I absolutely adore Washington Post advice columnist Carolyn Hax. I've been following her since she first started writing more than a decade ago. She is not only extremely wise, but also darn funny. Besides her newspaper advice column, she also does a live online chat every Friday where readers can write questions to her, she will answer them live, and other readers can weigh in, too.

I was interested in last week's chat that had the following stepmom question:

Rehoboth Beach, Del.: 
Dear Carolyn,
Uh, are there any acceptable reasons as to why my father's wife actively avoids my brother and I? My dad remarried after my mom passed away; both my brother and I were happy. For the first year or so, my dad and his wife visited us once, but when we visited them, suddenly she had to be out of town. Fast forward four years, and I haven't physically laid eyes on the woman for 3 of them. My father - when he visits, which is rare - now visits alone. Planned visits to see them results in them cancelling plans an hour or two beforehand, and/or her being "too busy" to see us to say hello. They've just moved across the country (which more or less solves the problems of visits with me) and now ironically live within 30 minutes of my brother. He reports the same kind of behavior. 

We've asked the point-blank question to my dad, and have received a rounding "Huh." from him about it. What gives? Shouldn't my brother and I have some passing relationship with our father's wife? (And, FTR, he is actively involved in her family/her children's/her grand children's lives; sure, we're jealous, but WTF?). 

Carolyn Hax: If her reasons were acceptable, would it make a difference? Maybe she doesn't like you. Maybe she's insecure and jealous and sees you as competition for her husband's affections. Maybe you look like your late mother and she has some weird hangup about her and her life with your dad. Who knows. 

And, in a way, who cares. When you get so far into a bad situation with absolutely no promise of its getting better or even being explained, that's something you need to train yourself to say. 

Of course you're going to care that you're not seeing your dad as much or as naturally as you would if he married someone who embraced you, and of course you're going to care that your own father isn't telling her to grow up and face the fact that he has grown children who deserve a place in his life. That's not the kind of who-cares I'm talking about. 

I'm talking about the whole notion of getting to the bottom of this problem. At this point, since you've gotten zero satisfaction in your quest for answers, the best thing you can do now is concentrate entirely on the logistics of maintaining a relationship with your dad under these adverse conditions. Your only job is to figure out what does and doesn't work. Even say it out loud to your dad: "I realize [wife] wants nothing to do with us, but I miss you and I'd like to plan a visit for" X day/Y holiday/whatever.
I'm sorry.

I thought this whole post was really interesting, in part because I have a friend who is an adult stepkid who complains mightily that she never gets to see her dad without her stepmom around. I hadn't thought it would be twisted around the other way.

My first thought when reading the question was that the adult stepkids had done or said something (unintentionally) hurtful to the stepmom. Maybe she overheard them say something say something snarky about her or something. But Carolyn proposes some interesting possibilities too.

I think Carolyn is right on the money (as usual) that whatever the reason is, it doesn't really matter. As my friend Kristina is fond of saying "It is what it is." You just have to learn who to deal with "what it is."

Another reader responded:
For woman asking about father's wife: I don't know if I help here or volunteer this as a chance to be told I'm wrong. I'm a step mother and we live in a different state from my late teen step-child. I spend time with him and try to show I like him so I'm not sure I'm like this woman... but, I do stay away sometimes. My husband goes to see him about 5 or 6 times a year. I don't go on one or two, in part to not miss so much work, but also in part because in my mind I think maybe sometimes my step-son wants time with just dad and I also think he'd never say that. Is that crazy?

Carolyn Hax: That doesn't sound crazy, it sounds thoughtful. What makes the difference is that you're there for 3 or 4 of the visits, which makes it clear the two you skip aren't because you're unwilling to be in the same room as your stepson. That's everything. 

This is exactly why I choose to help out with childcare at my church on Wednesday evenings (a night we always have the kids). Bill and I both agreed a long time ago that it is really good for them to have consistent, scheduled Daddy-only time. Recently my stepdaughter decided she didn't like that arrangement (she thought Daddy was too stressed out dealing with everything when I wasn't around....which actually did happen once on a night we had my nephew over and things were indeed pretty crazy).  I stopped for a while but I'm back at it now and I think it's really good for all of us.