Grrrrr

I often find myself feeling quite defensive and sometimes even paranoid about my role as a stepmom and how stepmoms are viewed/treated in society at large. Much to my surprise, I have experienced negative feedback upon identifying myself as a stepmom that I never expected to face...after all, I am a nice person, my stepkids like me, we get along just fine...so why should my being a stepmom automatically cause others to jump to conclusions about who I am or what my relationships with the kids are like?

Unfortunately, even beyond Cinderella et al, there's a lot of garbage out there that stepmoms still have to deal with. Case in point, the most recent object of my ire: a Things Remembered catalog. You know, that cheesy place in the mall where you can get stuff personalized.

Now let me be the first to say I kind of like Things Remembered, despite the cheese factor of some of their offerings. In fact we were thrilled with the place when it came to our wedding: I had decided to write and say vows to the kids along with my vows to Bill, and I wanted some sort of "token" of my vows to them, a special remembrance that they could keep. I wracked my brain for days before I remembered Things Remembered (haha). I chose a beautiful locket for my stepdaughter with the date and a small remembrance engraved, and a lovely pocketwatch with the same for my stepson. They of course were/are not old enough to appreciate the symbolic meaning behind either the vows I said or the tokens of such, but I hope in time as they are older that they will.

Meanwhile my purchase of said items apparently put us on their mailing list for catalogs as I received one last week. Imagine my surprise, and then rage, as I pleasantly perused their offerings, only to find the juxtaposition of these two pages, Favorite Things For Her, and Favorite Things For Him:

WHAT?!?! I thought my head was going to explode. You mean to tell me that a freaking BABYSITTER is worth putting gift options for in their catalog, and STEPDADS are deemed worthy, but stepmoms are just totally and completely ignored!??!!? You've got to be kidding me. I searched the catalog frontwards and backwards one more time to be sure I hadn't missed something. Nope, it's there, in all its neglectful glory: "special" women are identified as mom, friend, niece, teacher, grandma, sister, aunt, sweetheart, and babysitter. Apparently, despite the presence of MILLIONS of us in the lives of children and their fathers everywhere, we don't merit a mention. Harrumph.

I thought I'd check their website too, just to see if I'm seriously overreacting. This just serves to tick me off further. A search for the keyword "stepdad" presents six gift suggestions (although admittedly none of the six are specifically designed for stepdads, they're just generic items that can be personalized as such). Interestingly, a keyword search for "stepmom" produces ZERO gift suggestions. Big. Fat. Zero. As if even the "general" items geared towards females are too special to be marred by the--gasp!!--horrid label of "stepmom".

Seriously, I know this is a tempest in a teapot and I have my panties in a wad about nothing here...but is it really just nothing? With approximately half of first marriages ending in divorce these days, and a large percentage of those marriages involving kids, many of whose fathers will go on to remarry...it's not like there's not a lot of us out here. Why the seemingly deliberate under-representation (or rather, non-representation)? Does Things Remembered just believe kids or other people in their lives won't buy special gifts for their stepmoms? That just seems so sad to me.

Maybe I'm being too sensitive, but it just doesn't seem that hard to be inclusive to a huge segment of the population...a segment that already faces bias and stigma that have nothing to do with our own personal worth as a stepmom. It's like just one more slap in the face by Cinderella herself.

Before I make myself too crazy over-pondering this, I'm going to post the vows that I made to the children on our wedding day. Re-reading these helps me to feel better about situations like this. I'm in this for a reason, and this is why I do what I do, day in and day out, for these two children--despite the negativity I may encounter in both uninformed individuals and society at large.

These are the vows I made:

"Minister:

Today you join your lives together and begin a new family. The circle and substance of family is not made by blood alone but by love, respect, and commitment. Indeed, the circle of family made by choice can be as strong or stronger than that of blood. Wendy, as you have made promises to Bill, you also enter a covenant with M and L. Do you have tokens of this covenant to offer? 

Wendy: 

I do. 

Minister:

Wendy, repeat after me:

I promise to always treat you with love and respect, and to always be there for you in any way I can. I promise to support your relationship with both your father and your mother, and I promise always to listen. I also promise to always treat your dad with love and respect, and to model for you a healthy and loving relationship with the belief that one day you too will find such happiness in love. I promise to cherish the times we have together, to respect your independence as you grow up, and to love you both unconditionally. Please accept this locket/pocketwatch as a promise of my friendship, love, and loyalty."