SPOILERS below...if you haven't seen the movie 2012 please be warned that I am giving away a huge plotline below. If you aren't going to see the movie or don't care if part of the plot is spoiled, keep reading. If you do care, stop right now.
My level of disgust about this has led me to cross-post this on several stepmom forums I read, so if you're seeing this for the 2nd or 3rd time, please accept my apologies!
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So my husband and I saw the movie 2012 last night. Very briefly (it's a loooong movie, 158 minutes!) the plot revolves around a divorced dad (Jackson, played by John Cusack) and how he tries to save his two kids, ex-wife, and her new husband as the world is coming to an end. Throughout the movie is an interesting subplot about how the newly configured family is trying to figure things out...the little boy Noah adores his new stepdad and while he loves his dad, is clearly angry and confused towards him. The little girl Lilly just loves them both. Stepdad Gordon is portrayed as a genuinely nice guy who loves these kids.
At first it was refreshing to see a realistic portrayal of realistic people just trying to figure things out, instead of the stereotypical evil stepdad, or even worse, the stereotypical bumbling incompetent (sometimes slimeball) dad competing with perfect stepdad (a la Jim Carrey in Liar Liar). The little boy in particular seems to be struggling with the fact that he really likes his stepdad, and maybe feels like he shouldn't, out of obligation to his dad whom he also loves. I thought it was very touchingly portrayed.
Until...HERE'S WHERE THE SPOILERS START...we get to the part of the movie where lovely ex-wife Kate (Amanda Peet) confesses to Jackson that she only loves Gordon "enough"....and at one point when their plane is about to crash Kate, Jackson, and the two children huddle together chanting a mantra "we're a family, we stick together, we're going to be together" while poor Gordon looks on....I saw the writing on the wall for Gordon right then and sure enough, by the end of the movie he gets killed off (albeit rather heroically).
This has been bothering me since last night and I finally realized that it actually really ticks me off....because they ruined a realistic and interesting portrayal of genuine people with genuine confusing feelings, and gave in to the stupid cliches of "true loves brings real families back together." On behalf of nice stepdads like Gordon everywhere, I am ticked at this movie!!! I think ultimately it's because the unspoken message here is the fulfillment of the wish we all know lies deep in the heart of every child of divorce: that their parents would get back together, if only this person wasn't in the way, even if they are a nice person and a good stepparent and we love them. Sheesh, it's just sickening to see this miserable, unrealistic cliche trotted out once again! How much more interesting and heart-warming this story might have been to me, if they had all survived to continue on the difficult path of figuring out their new dynamics, learning how to relate to one another and love one another well amid imperfection and sometimes conflict: just like every stepfamily (and non-stepfamily!) I know. Sigh.
By the way even if it weren't for the idiotic turn this stinker of a movie took, I still wouldn't recommend wasting your money OR 158 minutes of your time.
Saturday, November 14, 2009
Speaking of penguins
My last blog post was about King Tut, both the real one and the virtual one. But what I would also like to say that I have developed a fascination with penguins, and have started "collecting" small figurines and such. I also love to watch the Penguin Cam from Sea World San Diego, home to the King Tut we made friends with on our honeymoon.
What I love about penguins is this: the daddy penguins take a surprisingly active role in the nurturing and raising of the babies. I'm no zoologist, but I think this level of involvement is pretty uncommon in the animal kingdom. Hearing about how daddy penguins sit on the baby penguin eggs and care for their young, reminds me of Bill. He is such a great daddy--it's one of the first things I noticed and found attractive about him. He has always been involved in the day-to-day-care of his kids and often goes above and beyond what's expected. I know a lot of good daddies, and I may be biased, but I think he's one of the best...much like the sweet penguin daddies who are so diligent in caring for their young.
What I love about penguins is this: the daddy penguins take a surprisingly active role in the nurturing and raising of the babies. I'm no zoologist, but I think this level of involvement is pretty uncommon in the animal kingdom. Hearing about how daddy penguins sit on the baby penguin eggs and care for their young, reminds me of Bill. He is such a great daddy--it's one of the first things I noticed and found attractive about him. He has always been involved in the day-to-day-care of his kids and often goes above and beyond what's expected. I know a lot of good daddies, and I may be biased, but I think he's one of the best...much like the sweet penguin daddies who are so diligent in caring for their young.
Monday, November 9, 2009
King Tut
The background to this post is that when B and I went on our honeymoon to San Diego, we spent one day enjoying Sea World there. We took the behind-the-scenes tour of the penguin exhibit and got to pet a darling penguin named King Tut, pictured above. He was so soft and so friendly! It was one of the highlights of our day there.
Flash forward to the summer, when I finally joined the ranks of Facebook. A few really slow days at work had me thinking about all the games on FB that seem so popular...Farmville, Mafia Wars, etc, I decided I wanted to play a game too. So when a friend suggested SuperPoke Pets, where I could have my own little virtual pet to play with, I was all over it! The little penguins were so cute, and immediately I chose to name mine King Tut, of course.
So now it's been about 3 months and I am beginning to ask myself, what in the world was I thinking?! I already have SIX real pets (not to mention two stepkids!), I didn't need a stinking virtual pet on top of it! The two dogs, two cats (one of whom is an amputee), and two fish are quite enough, thank you. And that's not even considering our experiment in worm composting with 2000 worms to whom I also feel the obligation to provide tender loving care. With the type of job that I do (helping people) some days I think if one more being needs one more thing from me my head might explode...
But poor little King Tut gets so sad when he's not fed and played with every day, and if you don't clean him he gets stinky with bugs crawling on him. I hate to see a sad pet, it makes me feel so guilty! And then I feel stupid for feeling guilty over a virtual pet! aaaaa!!! But day after day I trudge over and spend my five minutes feeding him, cleaning him, tickling him, and taking him on playdates. It's such a beating, but I'm stuck now...I can't bear to think about "killing" him by deleting my account. How dumb is that!
Let this serve as a warning: do not get sucked into the dumb Facebook games! You will live to regret it.
Tuesday, October 27, 2009
Why all the hate?
I knew, intellectually, going into my marriage that stepmoms as a group are still pretty much social pariahs when it comes to the parenting set. I guess it was terribly naive and idealistic of me to think that I would be an exception to this, simply because I am a nice person who has the kids' best interest at heart. I thought people would judge me on my actual merits as a stepmom, and not just the label itself.
Boy was that naive! Now I feel kind of silly for thinking that in this day and age, most people would have the awareness, intelligence, and wherewithal to know that the Disney stereotypes of the evil stepmother are a thing of the past.
But really, you would not believe some of the reactions I've had from people who were, seconds earlier, being friendly and polite to me, upon hearing that I am a stepmom. Usually there is an "Oh" followed by a concerted effort to control whatever emotion is passing across their face, sometimes successfully and sometimes not. Don't get me wrong---most people are not overtly rude or mean, but I can definitely feel a shift in the environment, in the way they are relating to me. Mostly it's like I've just disappointed them in some way. It's as if they have to re-define me in light of this new, and not necessarily positive, information.
A prime example of this happened at my stepdaughter's school a few weeks ago. I had brought her in for one-on-one testing with her teacher, and another little girl was there for the same. I chatted with the other little girl's mom, and the two girls played for a few minutes until they were called in by the teachers. As she walked off my stepdaughter said "see you in a few minutes Wendy!". The other mother looked at me in surprise and said "She calls you by your first name?" and I cheerily replied "Yep, I'm her stepmom!". And she got all chilly and said "Oh, I thought you were her mom." and went from being friendly and chatty, to not saying another word the entire 30 minutes we sat there waiting, side by side. Man was that awkward, and really discouraging too!
So I don't get it, what's with all the hate towards nice people, just for having that label? Maybe that woman has had experience with a legitimately evil stepmother. I'm not saying they don't exist--I'm sure there are plenty of stepmoms who can take the cake for meanness...just as there are many biological moms who can take that cake too. For every true evil-stepmother anecdote that people I know can share from their own lives, I can name an equal amount of true evil-biological mom anecdotes. But for some reason people love to hate on stepmoms. I guess the elevated status of "real" mothers annoys me, because anyone with a working uterus can become a mother (Octomom, anyone?) while I think it takes someone special to take on someone else's kid, often under less-than-ideal circumstances (to say the least!), and do a good job of it. The majority of the stepmoms I know take their roles very, very seriously, and live their lives with an enormous amount of self-sacrifice, often thanklessly. Not that the biological moms don't---they do---they just don't start off with a black mark against their name from the get-go.
As family researcher Lucille Duberman said “A stepmother must be extraordinary in order to be seen as merely adequate.” I am living the reality of this: I definitely feel an unspoken pressure to be extra nurturing, extra loving, extra perfect, extra-everything, just to feel like I'm getting by. For now, I am fine with this. I love the kids and I genuinely want to be the best stepmom I can for them. I comfort myself with that reality, despite the looks and assumptions and chilly reactions I get from some people. But I think I definitely need to grow a thicker stepmom skin!
Boy was that naive! Now I feel kind of silly for thinking that in this day and age, most people would have the awareness, intelligence, and wherewithal to know that the Disney stereotypes of the evil stepmother are a thing of the past.
But really, you would not believe some of the reactions I've had from people who were, seconds earlier, being friendly and polite to me, upon hearing that I am a stepmom. Usually there is an "Oh" followed by a concerted effort to control whatever emotion is passing across their face, sometimes successfully and sometimes not. Don't get me wrong---most people are not overtly rude or mean, but I can definitely feel a shift in the environment, in the way they are relating to me. Mostly it's like I've just disappointed them in some way. It's as if they have to re-define me in light of this new, and not necessarily positive, information.
A prime example of this happened at my stepdaughter's school a few weeks ago. I had brought her in for one-on-one testing with her teacher, and another little girl was there for the same. I chatted with the other little girl's mom, and the two girls played for a few minutes until they were called in by the teachers. As she walked off my stepdaughter said "see you in a few minutes Wendy!". The other mother looked at me in surprise and said "She calls you by your first name?" and I cheerily replied "Yep, I'm her stepmom!". And she got all chilly and said "Oh, I thought you were her mom." and went from being friendly and chatty, to not saying another word the entire 30 minutes we sat there waiting, side by side. Man was that awkward, and really discouraging too!
So I don't get it, what's with all the hate towards nice people, just for having that label? Maybe that woman has had experience with a legitimately evil stepmother. I'm not saying they don't exist--I'm sure there are plenty of stepmoms who can take the cake for meanness...just as there are many biological moms who can take that cake too. For every true evil-stepmother anecdote that people I know can share from their own lives, I can name an equal amount of true evil-biological mom anecdotes. But for some reason people love to hate on stepmoms. I guess the elevated status of "real" mothers annoys me, because anyone with a working uterus can become a mother (Octomom, anyone?) while I think it takes someone special to take on someone else's kid, often under less-than-ideal circumstances (to say the least!), and do a good job of it. The majority of the stepmoms I know take their roles very, very seriously, and live their lives with an enormous amount of self-sacrifice, often thanklessly. Not that the biological moms don't---they do---they just don't start off with a black mark against their name from the get-go.
As family researcher Lucille Duberman said “A stepmother must be extraordinary in order to be seen as merely adequate.” I am living the reality of this: I definitely feel an unspoken pressure to be extra nurturing, extra loving, extra perfect, extra-everything, just to feel like I'm getting by. For now, I am fine with this. I love the kids and I genuinely want to be the best stepmom I can for them. I comfort myself with that reality, despite the looks and assumptions and chilly reactions I get from some people. But I think I definitely need to grow a thicker stepmom skin!
Sunday, October 18, 2009
Missing my stepkids!
All last week I was out of town chaperoning my school's seventh graders on a camp trip (I could write a book about those adventures!). I have not seen my stepkids since Sunday the 11th, and won't see them again until this Wednesday (the 21st). That's a really long time, and I find myself missing them more than I ever thought possible. And, much to my surprise, they miss me too....tonight on the phone my stepdaughter asked if she could come over and see me. I feel like a million bucks! I can't wait to kiss their sticky faces and give them huge bear hugs.
Monday, September 28, 2009
Stepmom Magazine!
Calling all stepmoms: this is the magazine for you! Every single issue I've read has been chock-full of insightful, relevant, helpful articles!
Friday, July 10, 2009
Disney's Curse
So, let me say a little bit about the photo on the front of my blog (for Facebook readers, see it here: www.stepinthetrenches.blogspot.com). The thing is, I wanted to have a little piece of clip art showing a nice woman with two cute kids, doing cute things. So I googled a bunch of clip art, and out of sheer exasperation of being overwhelmed, I finally decided to get a little more specific, and kind of on a lark (since I didn't *really* expect anything good) I googled "stepmom clip art". And this was the very first image, of about 32,500, to appear. Sigh. Of course I knew it was fate and I must choose it when I noticed that her dress matched my blog template's color scheme exactly. :)
So since I've been M and L's stepmom I've noticed that just about every Disney movie/book/thought they have, involves a loving, but tragically, dead mother---and a terribly mean and cruel stepmother. I am mature enough to try to shrug it off with a laugh, and honestly I swear to the heavens I LOVED Cinderella et al as a kid, but after 143 viewings of the same old tired tale in so many forms, it wears on me.
Wednesday Martin's book Stepmonster has some very interesting theories on the origins and relevance of such tales, which I'll go into in further detail later on. But suffice it to say, that for now, I find that image ironically cathartic. Because it embodies everything that I am, as a stepmother---according to children's literary tradition, and in many ways, society's expectations--- and yet, it embodies nothing of who I am.
So since I've been M and L's stepmom I've noticed that just about every Disney movie/book/thought they have, involves a loving, but tragically, dead mother---and a terribly mean and cruel stepmother. I am mature enough to try to shrug it off with a laugh, and honestly I swear to the heavens I LOVED Cinderella et al as a kid, but after 143 viewings of the same old tired tale in so many forms, it wears on me.
Wednesday Martin's book Stepmonster has some very interesting theories on the origins and relevance of such tales, which I'll go into in further detail later on. But suffice it to say, that for now, I find that image ironically cathartic. Because it embodies everything that I am, as a stepmother---according to children's literary tradition, and in many ways, society's expectations--- and yet, it embodies nothing of who I am.
First Post!
Yay, my new blog is just about ready! Now all it needs is some posts. I haven't posted to my old one in such a loooong time. I've been spending so much time lately trying to figure out my role as a stepmom, worrying about being a good stepmom, reading about being a stepmom, dreaming about being a stepmom (as in, literally having dreams), interacting with other stepmoms on the interwebs, blah blah blah I decided I need a place to direct all this angst! Thus, this new blog.
I plan on reviewing stepparenting books (I'm pretty sure I've read them all), lamenting the status of stepmoms in society and most especially in the fairytale/Disney cartel, posting stories of my experience, and presumably, boring most of you to tears. Tough!
For now I'm leaving my blog open to all readers and so I will only be using my stepkids' initials and won't post any pictures, but I may change my mind later.
So by way of introduction, for those readers who don't know me or my situation, my name is Wendy, I am 33 years old, and in January of this year I became stepmom to a little girl, M, who is 6 years old, and a little boy, L, who is 4 (oh, important detail: I don't have any kids of my own, beyond the fur kind, that is). It is an understatement to say the last 5 months have been a whirlwind of the life change that is Sudden Parenthood.
I plan on reviewing stepparenting books (I'm pretty sure I've read them all), lamenting the status of stepmoms in society and most especially in the fairytale/Disney cartel, posting stories of my experience, and presumably, boring most of you to tears. Tough!
For now I'm leaving my blog open to all readers and so I will only be using my stepkids' initials and won't post any pictures, but I may change my mind later.
So by way of introduction, for those readers who don't know me or my situation, my name is Wendy, I am 33 years old, and in January of this year I became stepmom to a little girl, M, who is 6 years old, and a little boy, L, who is 4 (oh, important detail: I don't have any kids of my own, beyond the fur kind, that is). It is an understatement to say the last 5 months have been a whirlwind of the life change that is Sudden Parenthood.
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