Why all the hate?

I knew, intellectually, going into my marriage that stepmoms as a group are still pretty much social pariahs when it comes to the parenting set. I guess it was terribly naive and idealistic of me to think that I would be an exception to this, simply because I am a nice person who has the kids' best interest at heart. I thought people would judge me on my actual merits as a stepmom, and not just the label itself.

Boy was that naive! Now I feel kind of silly for thinking that in this day and age, most people would have the awareness, intelligence, and wherewithal to know that the Disney stereotypes of the evil stepmother are a thing of the past.

But really, you would not believe some of the reactions I've had from people who were, seconds earlier, being friendly and polite to me, upon hearing that I am a stepmom. Usually there is an "Oh" followed by a concerted effort to control whatever emotion is passing across their face, sometimes successfully and sometimes not. Don't get me wrong---most people are not overtly rude or mean, but I can definitely feel a shift in the environment, in the way they are relating to me. Mostly it's like I've just disappointed them in some way. It's as if they have to re-define me in light of this new, and not necessarily positive, information.

A prime example of this happened at my stepdaughter's school a few weeks ago. I had brought her in for one-on-one testing with her teacher, and another little girl was there for the same. I chatted with the other little girl's mom, and the two girls played for a few minutes until they were called in by the teachers. As she walked off my stepdaughter said "see you in a few minutes Wendy!". The other mother looked at me in surprise and said "She calls you by your first name?" and I cheerily replied "Yep, I'm her stepmom!". And she got all chilly and said "Oh, I thought you were her mom." and went from being friendly and chatty, to not saying another word the entire 30 minutes we sat there waiting, side by side. Man was that awkward, and really discouraging too!

So I don't get it, what's with all the hate towards nice people, just for having that label? Maybe that woman has had experience with a legitimately evil stepmother. I'm not saying they don't exist--I'm sure there are plenty of stepmoms who can take the cake for meanness...just as there are many biological moms who can take that cake too. For every true evil-stepmother anecdote that people I know can share from their own lives, I can name an equal amount of true evil-biological mom anecdotes. But for some reason people love to hate on stepmoms. I guess the elevated status of "real" mothers annoys me, because anyone with a working uterus can become a mother (Octomom, anyone?) while I think it takes someone special to take on someone else's kid, often under less-than-ideal circumstances (to say the least!), and do a good job of it. The majority of the stepmoms I know take their roles very, very seriously, and live their lives with an enormous amount of self-sacrifice, often thanklessly. Not that the biological moms don't---they do---they just don't start off with a black mark against their name from the get-go.

As family researcher Lucille Duberman said “A stepmother must be extraordinary in order to be seen as merely adequate.” I am living the reality of this: I definitely feel an unspoken pressure to be extra nurturing, extra loving, extra perfect, extra-everything, just to feel like I'm getting by. For now, I am fine with this. I love the kids and I genuinely want to be the best stepmom I can for them. I comfort myself with that reality, despite the looks and assumptions and chilly reactions I get from some people. But I think I definitely need to grow a thicker stepmom skin!