Rambling Thoughts on Loss

Over the past six weeks our family has suffered stunningly unexpected losses. We lost my 13 year old dog Cloud, the canine love of my life, on March 30. Just a week and half ago, Bill’s dad Michael passed away. Michael had been sick for a long time, but nonetheless his passing was sudden and traumatic for all of us. We never expected we would lose him over what started out as a simple chest cold.

I’ve never been much of a cryer, I rarely cry. Maybe about 3-4 times a year I will have a random meltdown and let it all out. The one big exception to this being the mild bout of post-partum depression I experienced for about 4 weeks after my son was born, I cried All The Time, for no reason at all. The Lion King is on, oh look they’re holding Simba’s baby up and all the mommy lions are roaring in the rain—watch me SOBBING. For like 30 minutes. Over a stupid cartoon baby lion in a stupid cartoon movie. It was the strangest thing. Like someone else had taken over my body and my brain. Thankfully that disappeared right around the 4 week mark.

Until now. Nowadays, I cry all the time. Every single day. I just can’t believe that both of these loved ones are just GONE from our lives. That we’ll never talk to Michael again, hear his voice, hear his laugh. I knew my dog would die, I knew I wouldn’t have her forever, and I knew it would shatter my heart when she left. I never expected we would lose a parent, the children would lose a grandparent.

I feel like I have cried every tear my body has ever and will ever make. I can’t believe I have any left. And yet they still come. There should be an ocean by now. My child will not know his grandfather. My relationships with my own grandfathers were so special; they were such a huge part of my life and my heart. I was 20 and 30 when I lost them, respectively. How lucky I was to have my Papaw and my DoDaddy for so long, to spend so much of my life knowing and spending time with them. I mourn that my child will not experience the same, with one of the men for whom he is named. I find myself ever more grateful that we did name him for the two most incredibly special men we know.

Will the tears ever stop? I feel so awful for Bill, for Suzann, for the children, for myself. I miss my dog. I miss Michael. I want to rub Cloud’s soft ears; I want to hear Michael’s deep rumbling laughter. I want Suzann to not be alone. I want to hear my dog whining and doing the wee-wee-wee noise when she’s so happy that I came home. I want my son to be held in his Opa’s arms and know he is loved. It’s not fair that the children lost their grandfather at such young ages.

Beyond the losses we have had so many random but aggravating setbacks lately---one of my stepmom friends described it so aptly: “it’s like a never-ending giant ball of shit is rolling down the hill towards your family.” How true that is. Sewage explosion in the bathtub, broken refrigerators and washers at Suzann’s house, Suzann’s beloved cat dying just an hour after her husband, facebook drama, the dramatic loss of a best friend of 25+ years (no, she did not die, she chose our estrangement), dog-and-cat-fights (uhhh, literally), one other enormously stressful situation, with long-term implications, that I can’t go into. I feel like anything that could go wrong, pretty much has.

Bill has a gift of being a complete optimist, we balance each other well because I am the total opposite. Right now, everything feels dark and bleak to me. I am waiting for the next shoe to drop. I want to crawl under a rock. The only thing that gets me out of bed every morning is the sweet face of my son and the knowledge that he needs me. I know I should count our blessings, and there are many—happy and healthy children being primary amongst them. So many others experience so much worse than we have. Who am I to feel so down? First-world problems, right?

And still the tears come. Will I ever stop crying?

Excellent Reads: The Uglies Series

 

So I’m still on a kick of enjoying reading Young Adult novels with dystopian themes. I still haven’t read anything that kicked my butt the way Divergent did, or that I enjoyed nearly as much as the Matched Series. But I have read some good and some bad….and then there is The Uglies, by Scott Westerfeld. Now this is a series to enjoy!

From Amazon: 

“Tally Youngblood is almost 16 and breathlessly eager: On her birthday, like everyone else, she'll undergo extensive surgery to become a Pretty. She's only known life as an Ugly (everyone's considered hideous before surgery), whereas after she "turns," she'll have the huge eyes, perfect skin, and new bone structure that biology and evolution have determined to be objectively beautiful. New Pretties party all day long. But when friend Shay escapes to join a possibly mythical band of outsiders avoiding surgery, Tally follows--not from choice but because the secret police force her….(Kirkus Reviews)”

The series continues into the second book, Pretties, and the third book, Specials. Westerfeld even followed up with a post-trilogy sequel (apparently after much clamoring by fans) called Extras. I very much enjoyed the second and third books but could have done without the fourth.

The premise and world-building of this story are thrillingly unique, and very timely given our culture’s obsession with beauty. Westerfeld has some brilliant things to say about the worship of “prettiness”.

Like most of the YA fare out there currently, this series does feature a love triangle, although a rather limp one at that. Interestingly, the romance and the triangle are not the focus of the story or its action at all. In fact, I would argue that throughout the series the author spent more time and exposition developing Tally’s best-frenemy relationship with Shay than he did her relationships with the two love interests. I think this made the series all the more interesting, particularly since here we have a guy, writing about girl best friendships. He captures the love-hate and competition dynamic well. Who among us hasn’t had a Shay to our Tally?

I also very much enjoyed Westerfeld’s take on pre-Pretty society, the “Rusties”, which is….us. His end-of-the-world scenario is entirely realistic, and his descriptions of our “Rusty Ruins” are spooky, because they feel so real.

All in all, this was a great series—the first three books anyway, skip the fourth—and I highly recommend it to anyone who enjoys this genre.

Donating Hair: Locks of Love versus Beautiful Lengths

So not on purpose, but more through passive neglect, my hair got monstrously long. I didn’t originally start out growing it long to donate but one day recently I realized that it WAS actually long enough to give to someone in need, and I was sick of it anyway. So, I was ready to lop off that ponytail and send it off to Locks of Love, which of course we’ve all heard about.

Then I started doing a little bit of research and found out some surprising things about Locks of Love. First of all, they don’t actually use most of the hair they receive to make wigs for children in need. Whatever can’t go into a wig they sell (for other people to make vanity extensions). I understand their need to have a source of income, as a nonprofit organization, but it oogs me out a little that my hair might be sold for extensions on a Paris Hilton-wannabe.

Secondly, Locks of Love charges their recipients (mostly children who have alopecia--genetic baldness--rather than life-threatening illnesses) for their wigs. It’s a sliding scale of course, but none of the wigs are free. Which was also a little unsettling to me.

Further research shows that Locks of Love has only sold “given” about 3,000 wigs to children since their creation.

On the other hand, Pantene shampoo sponsors a program in conjunction with the American Cancer Society called Beautiful Lengths. All of their wigs are given for free to women who have suffered hair loss after cancer treatment. They have given out over 24,000 wigs to date.

Beautiful Lengths also never sells hair that is unusable—instead, they donate it to an environmental program that uses the hair to make giant “hair mats” that absorb oil spills in the ocean. Apparently human hair is the most efficient way to clean up oil spills (who knew!). I really like the idea that if my ponytail should be unusable in a wig for some reason, it would go to an environmental cause rather than someone’s vanity hair extensions.

And lastly, Beautiful Lengths only requires an 8-inch minimum ponytail, while Locks of Love’s minimum is 10 inches. My ponytail ended up measuring 11 inches total so this didn’t matter, but it might to someone who is growing for donation purposes!

As you can probably guess, my choice was Beautiful Lengths. And here’s the end result!

Happy Birthday to Kirk!

Once again, it’s been awhile since I’ve updated the blog…I guess that’s what having a one-year old will do to you! He keeps me very busy. I realized recently I hadn’t even posted pictures of his first birthday party! Here ya go!

Kirk's cake:

 Snickers cake for everyone else (yummmm):

 Decorations

 Pinata filled with goodies for all the guests:

 

Time for candle blow-out!

 He did NOT like the feeling of cake on his hands....

Until his sister showed him how YUMMY cake is!

 

 

Happy Birthday sweet Kirk! We love you!

Missing the Blitzy Boo

For nearly five years I lived with one of the coolest and most awesome person I know, a colleague named Ann. I can't say enough good about her--she was the perfect roommate for me as we are matched very well in personality and became very good friends. I still miss talking with her All The Time!

One of the best things about living with her (besides the constant conversation) was that we shared a zoo of animals (shocking, I know). Her chocolate lab Blitz, also known as The Boo, was one of the sweetest dogs I've ever know. She was Cloud's best friend--they adored each other. Blitzy passed away when she was 12 and it absolutely broke our hearts. I still miss her.

One of my favorite Blitz stories was how she would sometimes sneak out of the house, run around the neighborhood for a few minutes and do her business, then appear back at our front porch scratching on the door to come back in. She had a breathing problem which made her pant heavily and breathe really loudly at times. She also had rough patches on her elbows from laying on the the hardwood floors. One time she scared one of our neighbors so bad appearing on her back porch she called the police saying there is a rabid dog foaming at the mouth with open sores on her arms at my door! Poor Boo, that was so far from the truth!

Recently I found some pictures of Blitz on my computer and thought I'd share them here. It's been 7 years I think since she left us and I still miss her, as I'm sure Cloud does too. Cloud has never quite bonded with any other dog the way she did with Blitz. Love you Boo!

Callie loved Blitzy too---this picture was taken when Callie still had all four of her legs! She used to love to play with Boo's tail while she ate!

Secret Santa Fun

I recently did a Secret Santa exchange with some internet friends, and I have to say I was pretty excited how my gift for my partner turned out! I wanted to do something handmade and the price limit was $20, so this little embroidery project fit the bill perfectly. Check it out:

I used the same crayon-and-embroidery method on this that I did in my Nancy Drew quilt. This is by far my favorite method of sewing; there's no end to the possibilities--especially now that I have a cool new die-cutter that can cut any shape my little heart desires!

Treats for Teachers

Here's another fun use of my awesome Silhouette die-cutter! Bill and I are on the board of my stepkids' PTO, and also on the Hospitality Committee. I signed up to deliver "sweet nothing" treats for the entire faculty and staff at the school....at the time I signed up I didn't realize what a task this would turn out to be! I was also dumb to pick my son's first birthday as my day to deliver treats--I thought it would help me remember the date (which it did) but didn't completely think through that I might be wanting to do anything besides making treats for teachers on that day! Oh well, it all worked out in the end, and I hope the teachers enjoy their sweet nothings.

I made my Rosemary Butter Cookies (they sound gross, but trust me--these are DIVINE!), mostly because that's the one cookie recipe I have that makes a TON of cookies! I wanted each of the 60 staff members to have 5 cookies a piece so that's a lot of cookies!

Add a cute little tag made with the help of my Silhouette, glue the recipe to the back of the tag, put it all in a cute little decorative goodie bag, and voila! You have treats for teachers. What do you think?

Birthday Fun!

I've mentioned before how much I loooove my Silhouette Cameo die-cutter. I was so excited to make the invitations for Kirk's birthday party all by myself! I have a bunch of ideas for party decorations and favors too. I think the invitations turned out so cute if I do say so myself!

(read about the giraffe theme here)

Also my stepdaughter pulled out her creative hat and made her brother the sweetest little gift--look how cute and creative this is! I'm always so impressed with how her mind works. And I also want to add that I'm absolutely THRILLED, over the moon, with how much my stepkids love their brother. We've been SO lucky in this regard. They genuinely adore him and are huge helps with his care, and he definitely loves them too. I know someday soon he's going to start getting really sad when they're not with us. But anyway check out her project:

Happy Birthday, Kirk!

One year ago today I was suffering from a broken tailbone and 40% blood loss after a pretty traumatic birth. It was the best day of my life! I can't believe my sweet baby boy is a year old already. It's gone by so fast! I can say with total confidence and honesty that being a mom to this boy is the best thing that I have ever done, and I feel more and more lucky every day. I was born to be this child's mom. I'm kind of sad that he is growing up so fast but I'm enjoying every minute of him!

The two Kirks (my boy is named after both of his terrific grandfathers):

 And the day before his first birthday:

We love you so much Kirk Michael!

Santa Hands

My friend Jennifer sent me this link of an adorable idea I just couldn't stop myself from stealing! I got so excited about it that I decided to make handprints of some of Kirk's friends too, as gifts for their parents.

One thing I discovered is that it's not very easy to get a squirmy baby to cooperate with smashing their hand on dough just right! After a bunch of frustrating tries with Kirk I figured out that everything goes a lot smoother if you trace their hand onto a piece of thick paper first, then use the paper on the dough.

Also one thing I was dumb about is forgetting to poke a hole in the top before baking, for a ribbon to hang through. Since I forgot that I ended up having to glue on a ribbon and I added some jingle bells to make the ribbon look a little more festive.

But all in all I think they turned out pretty cute!

I love my Silhouette!

This summer I bought an expensive die-cutter, a Silhouette Cameo, for all my various craft projects. I hadn't had a whole lot of time to use it very much until recently, but ever since I figured out all the amazing things it can do (and so easily!) I can hardly tear myself away. Look at the ridiculously cute (and unbelievably easy) home-made gift tags I just made:

Seriously, these took all of five minutes to make, and you can use any color or pattern paper to make them even more interesting!

I've already made several Christmas gifts that have features made by the Silhouette, of course I'll wait until after Christmas to post pictures of those. I just want to say I am ridiculously proud of making my own gift tags and other really cute things the Silhouette lets me do! Woohoooooo!

A Birthday Letter to My Brother

Dear Shad,

You don't do email and you're not on Facebook, and I'm not good at talking on the phone, but I have a lot to say to you so here goes. First I want you to know how very much I missed you during the years we didn't speak. I'm not really even sure why we lost touch--it was never intentional on my part, I held no ill feelings towards you despite the turbulence we grew up with. When I talked to you on the phone for the first time after having not heard your voice for so many years, it brought a rush of emotions in me that brought me to tears afterwards. I can't even hardly explain how I feel about you.  You're my Big Brother. When my stepdad adopted me I gained 3 other brothers, but it's nowhere near the same as what I have with you.

I know the age difference between us made a close relationship difficult--growing up I was the tagalong, the burden on your fun, the annoying little kid you had to babysit when you would rather have been doing a lot of other things. I won't even get into the violence in our home that made it, at times, a place none of us wanted to be. I have a lot of wonderful memories of you and some others that are not so wonderful (did you really have to lurch on me all the way to Albuquerque? :) ).  I guess back then I didn't realize how important, how deeply life-sustaining, my sibling relationships were. Now as an adult I have a whole new perspective. For one thing, now that I have stepkids, I realize that YOU were a stepkid. I wonder how you experienced that, if it was painful for you. I can see how hard it is on my own stepkids at times. Was it hard on you too?

And as much as I love my three adopted brothers, and enjoy my relationships with them, now I realize how totally different it is with you. There's just something about you and Laura that feels REAL to me. Talking to you felt like coming home. I can't even articulate it well, but every time I see you in person I feel, well, just right with the world. Like a piece of me has been missing for a long time but it's back and all is well now. No one else in the world knows what it was like growing up in our family, except you two. Despite any troubles or silence between the three of us over the years that is a bond that will never break.

I never want to be estranged from you again. 

Now that we are all grown up I just want to say that I am SO proud of what you have done with your life. Your daughters are stunning in every way--not just in physical beauty, although they are that, but also in their hearts and personalities. Your wife is a treasure, and the work you do with kids is so important. You have done well, and I am proud to know and be sister to such a man.

I've missed you, I love you SO so much, and I hope we never go so long without talking again. Happy birthday, Big Brother. You deserve all the happiest wishes in the world.

Excellent Reads: The Rose Garden

Susanna Kearsley stole my heart with A Winter Sea and ever since I have been eagerly reading every work of hers I can get my hands on. Her writing is magical, I simply adore the way she has with words. This one did not disappoint! What a fantastic story. I am fascinated by the way she seamlessly melds past and present in her stories and The Rose Garden is no exception.

One thing I love about the romantic aspect of Ms. Kearsley's novels is that the romance is simultaneously subtle and yet stunning. I really appreciate how she can make the hair on my neck stand on end and my heart swoon, while at the same time never revealing "intimate" details or turning it into a trashy smut-fest. The romance is in the dialogue, not in the ripping of bodices, and that makes it all the more headily romantic, to me.

I highly recommend this book, as I do every other one of hers. She does not disappoint!

From Amazon:

"Whatever time we have," he said, "it will be time enough."

Eva Ward returns to the only place she truly belongs, the old house on the Cornish coast, seeking happiness in memories of childhood summers. There she finds mysterious voices and hidden pathways that sweep her not only into the past, but also into the arms of a man who is not of her time.

But Eva must confront her own ghosts, as well as those of long ago. As she begins to question her place in the present, she comes to realize that she too must decide where she really belongs.

So-So Reads: Through the Door

Recently I stumbled across Through the Door by Jodi McIsaac. It was only a couple of dollars on Amazon and the sample was pretty good so I bought it. Here is a synopsis from Amazon:

Celtic mythology and the modern world collide in the first book in THE THIN VEIL series. Cedar McLeod lives an ordinary but lonely life, raising her six-year-old daughter Eden on her own, while trying to balance the demands of her career and the expectations of her mother. Everything seems normal until the day Eden opens her bedroom door and finds herself half a world away – and then goes missing. Suddenly, Cedar realizes her daughter is anything but normal. In a desperate search for answers, Cedar tries to track down Eden’s father, who mysteriously disappeared from her life before Eden was born. What she discovers is far beyond anything she could have imagined. As she joins unlikely allies in the hunt for her daughter, Cedar becomes torn between two worlds: the one she thought she knew, and one where ancient myths are real, the stakes are impossibly high, and only the deepest love will survive.

This book was okay, but not wonderful. At times I wasn't sure if I would be able to finish it. I think there was one scene in particular that kind of spoiled it for me: just a few hours after her 6 year old daughter disappears from the face of the earth, presumably kidnapped by an evil fairy, the main character Cedar lays down and snuggles with a cat and GOES TO SLEEP. Really?? I'm sorry but if my child were missing there's no way I would be able to SLEEP. I would be tearing down walls and raging and doing everything I could possibly think of to Find My Child. It just kind of made this story unbelievable--yes, I realize that's kind of a stupid thing to say about a fairy story, but still. I can suspend disbelief about the paranormal, but the achingly normal? Not so much. And it is NOT normal to fall asleep snuggling with a cat when your child is missing.

If you're interested in Celtic lore, fairies, that sort of thing, you will likely enjoy this story. I'm glad I didn't spend more than a few dollars on it, but I don't really regret it. I doubt I will be reading the follow-up novels, though.

A Hunger Games Rant

I told you before that I wouldn't bother reviewing The Hunger Games here, but I would like to take a moment to get some things off my chest. First, I'd like to say that even I was surprised by how much I ended up enjoying this series--I avoided it forever and wasn't sure I would be able to finish it due to the violence, in particular violence against children. I know many people who aren't reading it (or finishing the series) because of how barbaric just the premise sounds. And it is indeed quite barbaric and violent, and yet it is one of those stories that just Sticks With You. I read it months ago and still find myself thinking about the characters and the story line.

By the way, if you haven't read it yet, please be advised: Here Be SPOILERS. 

And I want to say it really, really ticked me off that the author killed off Finnick. I felt like that was just totally a gratuitous and unnecessary yank on the heartstrings. I would have been happier if she had killed off Gale instead. And that leads me to Prim: her death was tragic but I didn't feel it was as gratuitous as Finnick's. In fact, Prim's death was completely relevant in that it prompted Katniss to do what she did in the end. But Finnick did not have to die.

Speaking of Prim, I know there is a lot of controversy over whether or not Gale had anything to do with her death. I think it very likely that he did indeed put into motion the events that caused it--it was totally within his character development to do exactly that. I don't think he meant for Prim to die in the bombing, but I do believe he made it happen.

Lastly I'm really, really tired of the love triangle trope. Can we be done with that already? Veronica Roth has showed us it is possible to write an excellent YA dystopian trilogy without a heroine who is constantly dithering between two love interests. I feel like Suzanne Collins and other authors of her genre have so much to say and such interesting stories to tell, it is a huge shame they go and dumb it down with stupid love triangles.

One more thing: I can't stand who they picked to play Finnick in the second movie:

I'm sure Sam Claflin is a very good actor and all, but he is not even CLOSE to how I pictured Finnick. To me, Finnick is IRISH. And he was supposed to be this drop-dead gorgeous playboy. Sam is cute and all but he's no Finnick.

Harrumph. Anyone with me?

Birdy Nativity

So I've mentioned my mom's birthday before....this year's gift was soooo easy, not only to come up with, but also to make, because she loves birds (cardinals in particular) and she collects nativity scenes. I put my creativity hat on and came up with this:

My favorite part is one you can't even really see in the picture--I filled tiny glass jars with beads for the gifts from the wise men: one gold, one green, and one multi-colored. In fact that was the hardest part of this project, picking through the beads to find the green and gold ones.

You may notice the one big problem with this scene....both the cardinals are boys. I couldn't find any girl cardinals, I guess they're just not pretty enough :) This is probably totally sacrilegious, but we've been joking that these birds are Joseph and Gary :) Teehee.

I don't know how in the world I'm going to top this next year.

Grandchildren Christmas Tree

My mom's birthday always falls around Thanksgiving, which is nice not only because we are so thankful for her but also because it makes birthday gift-giving very easy! She often gets Christmas-themed birthday presents, which seems to be fine by her. Last year I made her (and also my mother in law) a cute little Christmas tree with an ornament to represent each grandchild in our family. I used small clear ornaments with faces painted on, wiggly eyes in the right color for each person, and yarn for hair. I also painted each person's name on the back. Check out the Grandchildren Christmas Tree!

 If you look closely you can even see Nellie and Millie!

Giving Thanks

It is an absolute understatement to say that I have so very much to be thankful for, every year, but especially this one. I have a lot of wonderful things in my life and have always enjoyed Thanksgiving, but this year it has special meaning, for the presence of my son.

Last year I was thankful for a healthy pregnancy that was nearing its end, and this year I am grateful beyond words for the miracle that is my little boy. I really can't even articulate it, my feelings are so powerful. I thought instead of even trying I would post something I should have posted last year. I was hugely pregnant and starting to be really uncomfortable, more than anything just ready to meet my son and see his sweet face. I was so happily surprised when my stepkids made the following posters for him--completely unprompted by anyone, this was ALL their idea, and it gave me an even deeper level of gratefulness, that they already loved their brother so much and he wasn't even born yet.

We are SO fortunate that we haven't had an ounce of jealousy or negativity about the addition of another child to our family. They genuinely love him. I can't even articulate how lucky I feel and how thankful I am for the blessing of all three of these children in my life.

Happy Thanksgiving everyone!

Holiday Cake Pops, Part 2

I've been practicing my cake pop skills, and I think I'm slowly but surely getting better! Check out these cuties:

Thanksgiving Placemats, Part 2

It's been a couple of years since we first made Thanksgiving placemats for the members of our family. I like for the kids to take some time to think about each person and write a little something down about why they are thankful for that person. This project is so easy: all you need is foam mats, pinking shears, stickers, and markers. This year I decided it's time to re-do them. Here are just some of my stepkids' contributions: