A Birthday Letter to My Brother

Dear Shad,

You don't do email and you're not on Facebook, and I'm not good at talking on the phone, but I have a lot to say to you so here goes. First I want you to know how very much I missed you during the years we didn't speak. I'm not really even sure why we lost touch--it was never intentional on my part, I held no ill feelings towards you despite the turbulence we grew up with. When I talked to you on the phone for the first time after having not heard your voice for so many years, it brought a rush of emotions in me that brought me to tears afterwards. I can't even hardly explain how I feel about you.  You're my Big Brother. When my stepdad adopted me I gained 3 other brothers, but it's nowhere near the same as what I have with you.

I know the age difference between us made a close relationship difficult--growing up I was the tagalong, the burden on your fun, the annoying little kid you had to babysit when you would rather have been doing a lot of other things. I won't even get into the violence in our home that made it, at times, a place none of us wanted to be. I have a lot of wonderful memories of you and some others that are not so wonderful (did you really have to lurch on me all the way to Albuquerque? :) ).  I guess back then I didn't realize how important, how deeply life-sustaining, my sibling relationships were. Now as an adult I have a whole new perspective. For one thing, now that I have stepkids, I realize that YOU were a stepkid. I wonder how you experienced that, if it was painful for you. I can see how hard it is on my own stepkids at times. Was it hard on you too?

And as much as I love my three adopted brothers, and enjoy my relationships with them, now I realize how totally different it is with you. There's just something about you and Laura that feels REAL to me. Talking to you felt like coming home. I can't even articulate it well, but every time I see you in person I feel, well, just right with the world. Like a piece of me has been missing for a long time but it's back and all is well now. No one else in the world knows what it was like growing up in our family, except you two. Despite any troubles or silence between the three of us over the years that is a bond that will never break.

I never want to be estranged from you again. 

Now that we are all grown up I just want to say that I am SO proud of what you have done with your life. Your daughters are stunning in every way--not just in physical beauty, although they are that, but also in their hearts and personalities. Your wife is a treasure, and the work you do with kids is so important. You have done well, and I am proud to know and be sister to such a man.

I've missed you, I love you SO so much, and I hope we never go so long without talking again. Happy birthday, Big Brother. You deserve all the happiest wishes in the world.