Rambling Thoughts on Loss

Over the past six weeks our family has suffered stunningly unexpected losses. We lost my 13 year old dog Cloud, the canine love of my life, on March 30. Just a week and half ago, Bill’s dad Michael passed away. Michael had been sick for a long time, but nonetheless his passing was sudden and traumatic for all of us. We never expected we would lose him over what started out as a simple chest cold.

I’ve never been much of a cryer, I rarely cry. Maybe about 3-4 times a year I will have a random meltdown and let it all out. The one big exception to this being the mild bout of post-partum depression I experienced for about 4 weeks after my son was born, I cried All The Time, for no reason at all. The Lion King is on, oh look they’re holding Simba’s baby up and all the mommy lions are roaring in the rain—watch me SOBBING. For like 30 minutes. Over a stupid cartoon baby lion in a stupid cartoon movie. It was the strangest thing. Like someone else had taken over my body and my brain. Thankfully that disappeared right around the 4 week mark.

Until now. Nowadays, I cry all the time. Every single day. I just can’t believe that both of these loved ones are just GONE from our lives. That we’ll never talk to Michael again, hear his voice, hear his laugh. I knew my dog would die, I knew I wouldn’t have her forever, and I knew it would shatter my heart when she left. I never expected we would lose a parent, the children would lose a grandparent.

I feel like I have cried every tear my body has ever and will ever make. I can’t believe I have any left. And yet they still come. There should be an ocean by now. My child will not know his grandfather. My relationships with my own grandfathers were so special; they were such a huge part of my life and my heart. I was 20 and 30 when I lost them, respectively. How lucky I was to have my Papaw and my DoDaddy for so long, to spend so much of my life knowing and spending time with them. I mourn that my child will not experience the same, with one of the men for whom he is named. I find myself ever more grateful that we did name him for the two most incredibly special men we know.

Will the tears ever stop? I feel so awful for Bill, for Suzann, for the children, for myself. I miss my dog. I miss Michael. I want to rub Cloud’s soft ears; I want to hear Michael’s deep rumbling laughter. I want Suzann to not be alone. I want to hear my dog whining and doing the wee-wee-wee noise when she’s so happy that I came home. I want my son to be held in his Opa’s arms and know he is loved. It’s not fair that the children lost their grandfather at such young ages.

Beyond the losses we have had so many random but aggravating setbacks lately---one of my stepmom friends described it so aptly: “it’s like a never-ending giant ball of shit is rolling down the hill towards your family.” How true that is. Sewage explosion in the bathtub, broken refrigerators and washers at Suzann’s house, Suzann’s beloved cat dying just an hour after her husband, facebook drama, the dramatic loss of a best friend of 25+ years (no, she did not die, she chose our estrangement), dog-and-cat-fights (uhhh, literally), one other enormously stressful situation, with long-term implications, that I can’t go into. I feel like anything that could go wrong, pretty much has.

Bill has a gift of being a complete optimist, we balance each other well because I am the total opposite. Right now, everything feels dark and bleak to me. I am waiting for the next shoe to drop. I want to crawl under a rock. The only thing that gets me out of bed every morning is the sweet face of my son and the knowledge that he needs me. I know I should count our blessings, and there are many—happy and healthy children being primary amongst them. So many others experience so much worse than we have. Who am I to feel so down? First-world problems, right?

And still the tears come. Will I ever stop crying?